Ban Heterosexual Marriage

The rulings of three provincial courts have effectively legalized same-sex marriage by declaring the erstwhile ban discriminatory under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Although Prime Minister Jean Chretien has drafted a bill in support of gay marriage, many backbenchers are working hard to undermine this effort in order to reserve the right of marriage strictly for heterosexuals. Gays cannot marry, according to Canada's Solicitor-General Wayne Easter, because of the difference between gays and straights: "when [straight people] get married, it's procreation." In other words, when a couple gets married for any other reason besides breeding, it ruins the whole idea of marriage for all of us.

It's clear, then, that banning homos from marriage simply does not go far enough. There are many straight people out there abusing the sanctity of the matrimonial tradition by marrying for such silly reasons as love or a desire to celebrate lifetime commitments, rather than solely to pop out babies. These people must be stopped.

We, the undersigned, demand that action be taken to preserve the dignity and tradition of marriage as an institution of procreation. Legislation must be enacted forbidding women over the childbearing age from tying the knot. Mandatory testing must be carried out to identify sterile men and barren women, ensuring that these people remain single forever. Elderly couples without offspring must have their marriages forcibly annulled.

We who are married for procreation must defend our noble institution against the pernicious threat posed by homosexuals and other non-breeders. Allowing them to marry will affect our own marriages somehow.